Why You Should Never Ask a First Responder “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen?”

It usually comes out casually.
Over coffee. At a dinner party. From someone who means no harm.

“So… what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?”

To the person asking, it’s curiosity.
To the first responder, it’s a door you’ve just kicked open.

Here’s the thing most people don’t realize: first responders don’t store memories the way other people do. The worst things we’ve seen aren’t filed away like stories. They live in our bodies. In smells that come back without warning. In sounds that don’t fade. In images that surface at 3 a.m. when the world is quiet and no one is asking questions.

When you ask that question, you’re not inviting a story, you’re asking someone to relive it.

And no matter how politely it’s asked, there’s an unspoken pressure to answer. To be interesting. To give you something shocking enough to justify your curiosity. We’re trained to perform under pressure, after all. Even socially.

But the “worst thing” isn’t one thing.

It’s the child we couldn’t save.
The family we had to tell.
The call that followed us home.
The moment something in us quietly changed.

And here’s the part that matters most: those memories don’t leave us when the conversation ends. You get a story. We get the aftermath.

If you want to connect with a first responder, ask different questions.

Ask what made them choose the job.
Ask what keeps them going.
Ask what they love about it, or what they wish people understood.

Or better yet, let them decide what they want to share.

Because behind every uniform is a human being who has already carried enough.

And some doors should never be opened just to satisfy curiosity.